


Carrot Juice is Murder

by sparkyCSI (Lexi_the_dragon_muse)



Category: CSI: NY
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-10 23:17:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexi_the_dragon_muse/pseuds/sparkyCSI
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Question: What do you get when you cross two CSIs and one detective with loonies brought out by the heat? Answer: Vegetables living in oppression with coleslaw being a fascist regime. One-shot! Please read and review!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carrot Juice is Murder

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own CSI: NY (if only I can win the lotto, then maybe that will change!) and I do not intend to make any money from this whatsoever. I also do not own the song Carrot Juice is Murder by The Arrogant Worms (I wish I did!).
> 
> AN: Okay guys. This is purely for entertainment purposes! If you have never heard of the song, have no fear, I’ve included the lyrics at the bottom! You can also listen to it by searching for it on YouTube. I must ask that you do not eat or drink while reading this! I do not want to be responsible for ruining a keyboard!

** Carrot Juice is Murder **

 

Mac Taylor walked into the crime lab only to hear the sounds of laughter ringing throughout the building.  Furrowing his brow, trying not to get angry since his staff wasn’t doing their jobs, he followed the sound of the laughter until he got to the AV lab.  He stopped cold at the sight of Detective Don Flack, CSI’s Danny Messer and Lindsay Monroe, and lab tech Adam Ross bent over with tears running down their faces while listening to a song from Adam’s Ipod.

 

“What are you four doing?” he said in a stern voice, his lips twitching when he recognized the song that was playing.  _Carrot Juice is Murder,_ by The Arrogant Worms.

 

Adam’s face fell when he looked into the stern face of Mac.  He shook his head, clearly not wanting to arouse his boss’s anger.

 

Danny, however, didn’t care as him, Flack, and Lindsay kept giggling.  “Sorry, Mac, but we were listening to this song because we had a case that was inspired by it.”

 

Mac raised an eyebrow, intrigued, and said, “All right.  Tell me about it.”

 

Lindsay decided to start out the story.

 

**\-------------------------------------------------**

 

Lindsay walked into the break room of the crime lab, fanning her face.  She smiled at her colleague, Stella Bonasera, as she wiped a bead of sweat from her face.  “Hey, Stella.  Lord, it’s so hot outside!”

 

Stella smiled as she nodded.  “I know,” she said with a smirk.  “Hottest summer on record and it’s only July.  Lord knows the heat brings out the loonies.”

 

Lindsay laughed as she grabbed some ice from the fridge.  “I know and the number of murders has skyrocketed in the last two weeks.  Why is that?  Why do the crazies come out when it’s hot?”

 

Stella shook her head while she grabbed her own cold drink to walk out of the break room.  “The heat just makes everyone crazy,” she advised with a smile.  “I gotta go.  I’ve got three cases I’m working on right now.”

 

“Bye, Stel!” Lindsay called after her, finally feeling the cold drink lowering her temperature.  She drew in a breath, getting ready for the long shift that she had ahead of her.  She was just exiting the break room when a familiar voice called out to her.

 

“Hey, Montana!” 

 

She turned, suppressing the automatic cringe at the nickname given to her by Danny.  She did, however, roll her eyes.  “Yes, Messer?” she drawled back.  He’d given her the nickname close to a year previously when she had first joined the crime lab and she had tried everything she could think of to get him to stop using it.

 

Danny smirked at her.  He loved to get a rise out of her.  “We got a case.  You ready to go?”

 

Lindsay sighed, not ready to go back out into the sweltering heat, but she knew that it was all part of the job.  “Let me get my case.”

 

Thirty minutes later, Danny was parking the SUV at the crime scene.  Lindsay grabbed her case and began to walk towards the tape, her heels tapping softly on the concrete.  She spotted Flack taking statements from possible witnesses.  She surveyed the scene carefully—it looked like a greenhouse—as she ducked under the tape.

 

Both Danny and she walked up to Flack as he finished the last statement.  “Whaddya got, Flack?” Danny asked, his Staten Island accent coming to the forefront.

 

Flack looked at both of them with a smirk.  “Dead owner of a greenhouse, with some interesting graffiti inside.”

 

Danny raised an eyebrow.  “Graffiti?” he asked, bewildered.

 

Flack nodded, his mouth already curling into a smile he was trying to suppress.  “Yup.  I’ll just let you read it for yourself,” he said smirking.

 

Intrigued, both Danny and Lindsay walked into the greenhouse.  Lindsay looked around at the destruction.  “Jesus, it looks like a bull went on a rampage in here,” she muttered seeing the plants that had been ripped from their soil, florescent lights broken and the sprinkler system ripped out from the wall.

 

Danny nodded as he looked around and then spotted the graffiti that Flack had been talking about.  He walked over to it, to see it better, and just stared in amazement.  “Montana, you gotta hear this!” he called out.  Once Lindsay was standing beside him, he began to read, “Reap your reward, you murderers!”

 

Lindsay looked at him, shaking her head in amazement as she glanced at the rest of the unbroken glass.  “Murderer!  Slaver!  Free our friends of nature!”  She glanced back at Danny, who just shrugged.

 

“Heat brings out the crazies,” he muttered under his breath and he began to photograph the scene, leaving Lindsay to process the body.

 

Lindsay walked towards the body of the young woman, who was identified as the owner of the greenhouse.  She knelt down, being careful not to disturb the large pool of blood that surrounded the body.  There were numerous cuts all over the body, slashes that looked like defensive wounds covering her arms and hands.

 

Lindsay took a picture of each of the wounds and then studied the glass that was surrounding the body.  She took a photo of a large piece that looked like it could possibly be the murder weapon.  She was waiting, rather impatiently, for the medical examiner to show up, so she could actually move the body.

 

Danny, on the other hand, was quickly filling the memory card in the camera with pictures of all the destruction.  Once he was done photographing the scene, he began to dust for prints.  _Not like I’m going to be able to use most of them!_   He carefully spread the hot pink dust on the metal, hoping that whoever had ripped it out had done so without gloves on.  Quickly, he lifted the prints, making sure to mark down where the print came from.

 

He was a little more than halfway done when he saw the medical examiner, Sid Hammerback, walk into the building and head straight for the body.

 

Lindsay glanced up when Sid stopped by the body.  “About time you got here!” she teased with a smile.

 

“Sorry, traffic is horrible today.  Every one is trying to go to the beach.  So what’s the story?”

 

Lindsay shook her head.  “Not sure.  From my preliminary exam of the body and the area surrounding it, I’d say that she bled to death, but I’m not a coroner.”

 

Sid nodded as he began to examine the body.  “I’d say she’s only been dead for a couple of hours, rigor hasn’t set in.  I’ll know something more when I get her back.”  He reached over the body and prepared to turn it over, so Lindsay could look at her back.  “Help me turn her,” he asked.

 

Lindsay complied and soon the young woman was lying on her side.  Lindsay shook her head as she studied the blood pool beneath the body.  “I don’t see any obvious wounds on her back.”

 

Sid nodded.  “In that case, let me get her back to the lab, so I can confirm the cause of death.”

 

Lindsay nodded and stepped back as they loaded the body into the black bag and loaded it onto a stretcher.  Once Sid had left, she began to take blood samples and finished processing the area around the body.

 

**\-------------------------------------------------**

 

When Danny and Lindsay got back to the lab, with boxes and boxes of evidence, they were glad to get into the air conditioning.  Once she had changed into her lab coat and clipped back her hair, Lindsay began to run the blood samples while Danny began to scan the multitude of fingerprints into the database to see if they managed to get a hit.

 

Meanwhile, in the bullpen, Flack was running the victim to see if she had any prior criminal history or had filed any complaints.  He didn’t find anything on her personally, but he did see where she had filed several reports about vandalism at the greenhouse.  Shaking his head, he read the reports.  “Five break-ins in less than a month?” he wondered aloud.  As he read the details on the break-ins, he was somewhat surprised to find that the details were very similar.  All of them stated that the break-ins occurred at night, under the cover of darkness and the lack of people around.  Similar things were broken, the sprinkler system a couple of times, plants uprooted and glass broken.

 

Flack shook his head, he knew that if he was a business owner that was having a problem with vandalism then he would have installed a security system.  Yet, there was no evidence of a security system at the greenhouse.  Grabbing the files, he decided to go to the lab to see if any of the unknown fingerprints at the vandalism scenes matched the murder scene.

 

**\-------------------------------------------------**

 

Danny and Lindsay were working silently, side by side, trying to process all of the evidence.  Danny was halfway through scanning in the fingerprints and Lindsay was busy trying to put together the jigsaw puzzle that was the broken glass.

 

Lindsay was making some headway on the one of the windows, enough that she was close to identifying the impact origin.  “Danny, look here,” she said as she pointed to the center of the window.  “It looks like the impact was here, but it had to have been from the outside in order for the glass to break inwards.  I’m thinking a tool of some sort.  Maybe a hammer?”

 

Danny nodded as he looked at the glass.  “Looks like it.  At least you’re having more luck than I am with the fingerprints.  So far, I’ve scanned in close to a thousand prints and all of them are still running,” he said with an edge of frustration in his voice.

 

Lindsay nodded sympathetically.  “We’ll get a break.  It doesn’t look like whoever did this was too bright.”

 

Danny laughed just as his computer beeped.  He quickly walked over and studied the screen.  “Looks like I have a match to an open case, here.”  He looked at the number of the fingerprint, noticing that it was one on the sprinkler system.  He tapped the keyboard a couple of times and pulled up the case information on the other case.  “Well, I can’t say that I’m not surprised.  The open case is from the same location.  It looks like the victim had filed a vandalism report.”

 

“Really?” Lindsay asked as she walked over to him.

 

“Make that five reports for vandalism,” Flack said from the open door.

 

Danny and Lindsay turned at his voice.  “Five?  She was vandalized five times?” Danny asked.

 

Flack nodded.  “Yeah.  All within a month.  So maybe the vandal took it to the next level?”

 

Lindsay contemplated that.  “This is personal then.  We need to talk to her friends and coworkers to see who would have it out for her.”  She paused for a second.  “But then you have the graffiti?  That is just too strange.  Calling her a murderer, a slaver?  It doesn’t make sense.  And what was that about freeing the friends of nature?”

 

Flack shrugged.  “I have no idea.  As far as I can tell, she’s never had any trouble with the law.”

 

“It sounds like it might be an environmental group, but don’t they usually attack companies that are harming the environment?  She wasn’t.  She was growing plants,” Danny returned.

 

Flack was about to respond when his phone rang.  “Flack?”  He listened for a moment.  “All right.  Be right there,” he said as he hung up the phone.  “Looks like we have a second crime scene.  Another murder at a greenhouse.”

 

**\-------------------------------------------------**

 

The three of them walked up to the crime scene and walked into the greenhouse, to find a scene eerily similar to the one this morning.  Danny and Lindsay looked at each other before Danny said, “I’ll take the body.”

 

Lindsay raised an eyebrow.  “I don’t think so Messer.  If this is the same perp then we need to be consistent.  I’ll take the body and you can take the fingerprints.”

 

Danny shook his head.  “Nope, not going to happen.”

 

Lindsay just rolled her eyes, then set down her case and placed her closed fist on her left palm.  “Rock, Paper, Scissors?  Best two out of three,” she finally relented.

 

“Fine,” Danny returned and mirrored her pose.  Quickly they began their competition. 

 

Round one.  Lindsay—Rock, Danny—Scissors.  Lindsay grinned.

 

Round two.  Lindsay—Paper, Danny—Scissors.  Danny smirked.

 

Round three.  Lindsay—Paper, Danny—Rock.

 

Lindsay stuck out her tongue.  “I win!  I get the body.”

 

Flack just looked at both of them, shaking his head.  “Are you done, children?  Can we get to work?”

 

Danny sulked off to begin photographing the scene, while Lindsay walked to the body of a man, where Sid was already processing.  “You got here fast,” she said to the coroner.

 

“I was in the area.  Same as the other victim.  Defensive wounds on the arms and hands, stabbed with a piece of glass.”

 

Lindsay nodded.

 

On the other side of the warehouse, Danny was staring, flabbergasted, at the graffiti marking the side of the wall.  “Radishes have feelings?” he read aloud with some confusion. 

 

Flack was standing next to him, an equally blank look on his face.  “Okay.  This is just some nut job.  Heat brings ‘em out.”

 

Danny nodded his agreement as he photographed the scene.

 

**\-------------------------------------------------**

 

Two hours later, they were back in the lab.  Danny pulled Adam out of trace and had him begin to run the pictures, while he began to process the multitude of fingerprints.

 

Twenty minutes later, an excited Adam walked into the lab.  “I think I have something,” he said, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

 

Danny and Lindsay looked at him, identical smirks on their faced.  Lindsay shook her head and responded, “What do you have?”

 

Adam grinned.  “Well, when I got to the pictures of the second crime scene, the words radishes have feelings, rang a bell with me.  So I Googled it.  Brought up a myriad of hits, one of them being a website for an environmental called Vegetable Liberation Front.”

 

Danny snorted.  “Excuse me.  _Vegetable_ Liberation Front?  Are you joking?”

 

Adam shook his head.  “Nope.  I’m serious.  Very small organization, only five members, but based in New York.  Anyway, so I clicked on the website and came up with a list of names.”  He handed them a printout.  “I’d bet on this guy, the leader.  Aidan Jones.  I ran him through the system and it looks like he’s been in and out of mental hospitals most of his life.  Maybe something caused him to snap.”

 

Danny nodded as he grabbed the printout and called Flack.  “Flack, man.  We’ve got a suspect.  Wanna go bring him in?”  Danny nodded as he grabbed his gun to meet Flack outside.

 

Within an hour, they were standing outside the door of a run down apartment complex.  Flack cringed as they heard the unmistakable sound of rats scurrying about.  Finally, he raised his hand and pounded on the door.  “Aidan Jones!  NYPD.  Open up!” he yelled.

 

They heard the sounds of footsteps coming to the door and it opened to reveal a short, skinny man, with greasy black hair and a couple of days of beard growth on his face.  His eyes held a frenzied look in them.  “What do you want?” he growled.

 

“Aidan Jones?” Flack asked as he looked at him, sensing that he was staring at a murderer.  At the man’s nod yes, he continued, “Where were you this morning between the hours of six and ten a.m.”

 

The man shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Around.”

 

Danny carefully studied the man, noting the traces of blood on his shoes and the cuts on his hands.  “Really.  How did you get those cuts?”

 

Aidan shrugged and didn’t respond.

 

Flack smirked.  “You see, there were some interesting break ins at greenhouses, break ins that called the owners murderers for raising vegetables for food.”  Flack noticed the anger that flared in the man’s eyes.

 

“Just because I believe that eating vegetables is wrong doesn’t make me a murderer,” he said.

 

Danny sighed internally, knowing that they had to proof.  Getting an idea, he pulled out a picture of the first victim and handed it to him.  “Do you know this woman?”

 

Aidan took the picture and shook his head.  “Nope.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got things that I need to do,” he said as he handing the picture back.

 

Danny glanced at Flack and gave a small nod.  Flack looked at him.  “All right, but don’t leave town,” he warned him as they left.

 

As they walked out of the building, Danny held the picture carefully.  When they got to the SUV, he slipped out an evidence bag and slipped the picture into it.  “Just got his prints,” he smirked.

 

“Good work, Dan.  Good work,” Flack said with an equally wide smirk.

 

**\-------------------------------------------------**

 

Back at the lab, Lindsay and Adam were finishing up the processing on the fingerprints.  “Hey, Lindsay?” Adam called.

 

“Yeah?” she returned, a little distracted.

 

“The fingerprint from the piece of glass pulled from the second victim matches the prints from the sprinkler system at the first scene.”

 

That got Lindsay’s attention.  “Really?  Now we have something to tie the two crimes together, but we’re still nowhere.  That print is in no database,” she said, frustration seeping in her voice.

 

“We might have something to compare it to,” Danny said from the doorway.  He smirked as he walked toward the table and laid out the picture before spreading the dust across it.  Quickly, he placed the tape across it and then pulled the prints off.  He handing the tape to Adam to scan into the system and waited to see if they matched.

 

Within seconds the computer was beeping back a positive match, and Lindsay looked at him, impressed.  “So, who’s the print from?” she asked.

 

Flack and Danny shared a smirk.  “Aidan Jones,” they said unanimously as they turned to leave the room.  Flack turned to Danny, “I’ll get the warrant.”

 

Danny nodded as he grabbed his kit and turned back to Lindsay.  “You coming or not?”

 

Lindsay grinned as she grabbed her kit and gun and followed the two men to the bullpen.

 

Flack got the judge to sign off on the warrant, quickly; he hoped that the threat of a serial killer would be enough to get the warrant pushed through and he was right.  Once the pulled the warrant off the fax, he followed Lindsay and Danny out to the SUV, where they strapped on vests.  “Okay.  We know this guy is certifiable and that he’s killed at least two people.  No mistakes on this,” he directed.

 

Danny nodded.  “I just hope that he took your advice and didn’t leave town.  He’s got at least a two hour head start on us if he’s decided to run.”

 

Lindsay shook her head.  “I don’t think so.  I did some reading about him while you guys were out talking to him.  Turns out that he was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder.”  She looked at the two puzzled men.  “One indicator of the disorder is odd beliefs that are inconsistent with sub-cultural norms.  I would say that the belief that vegetables have feelings meets those criteria.”

 

Danny looked at her before quipping, “Ya think?”

 

Lindsay ignored him and continued, “It can also be characterized by paranoia and a lack of close friends.  I’d say that he’s not likely to become violent, but with the paranoid delusions, it is a possibility.”

 

Flack looked at her.  “So, like I said, no chances.”  He turned and opened up the car door and waiting for the rest of them to get in before gunning it.

 

Thirty minutes later, Danny and Flack were standing outside the door; Lindsay was waiting downstairs just in case Aidan decided to run.  Flack nodded his head.  “This is like déjà vu,” he muttered as he pounded on the door.  “Aidan Jones!  NYPD!  We have a warrant for your arrest!”

 

They heard scrambling sounds from inside.  Danny just shook his head.  “He’s running!” 

 

Flack nodded as he kicked the door in and ran after him.  Danny turned and started sprinting down the stairs, trying to catch up with the suspect before he got out of reach.  As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he glanced up in time to see the suspect run in front of the door and he put on an extra burst of speed.

 

Once outside, the scanned the crowd and was amazed to see Lindsay calmly cuffing the man.  “Montana?” he asked in between breaths as he strode up to her.

 

Lindsay just smirked and quirked an eyebrow at him.  “Forget about me?” she asked.  “Trust me, he was an easy takedown.”

 

Danny just nodded as Flack walked up to them panting.  “Nice, Monroe.  I knew that leaving you down here was a good idea.”  He turned to Aidan and said, “Why did you run?”

 

Aidan just stared at him.  “I have nothing to say.”

 

Flack shook his head while turning to Danny and Lindsay.  “I’ll get him back to the station; I assume that you two can process the scene?”

 

The pair just nodded as they walked up to process the apartment.  When Lindsay stepped inside, she muttered, looking at the words scrawled on the walls.  “ _Listen up brothers and sisters, come hear my desperate tale.  I speak of our friends of nature, trapped in the dirt like a jail_ ,” she read aloud.  “Man, this guy really is insane,” she said.

 

Danny walked into the bedroom and found a pile of bloody clothes.  “Boom!  Montana, I’ve got bloody clothes here!  I wonder if the blood matches either of our two vics.”

 

Lindsay nodded, “I’ve got enough anti-eating vegetable propaganda to last me a lifetime,” she said as she sorted though stacks of flyers.  She flipped over the last stack of flyers and found a set of blueprints.  “Looks like I also have blueprints of the greenhouses, too,” she called back.

 

“Really?  Is the guy really that stupid?” Danny asked from the doorway as Lindsay continued to bag the evidence.

 

Lindsay just shrugged.  “He’s sick, Danny.  Even if this gets to trial, no jury is going to convict this guy.  He really is insane.”

 

Danny shrugged.  “Maybe he can be forcibly committed for the rest of his natural life.  Only seems fitting,” he muttered as he began bagging and photographing his evidence.

 

**\-------------------------------------------------**

 

When Danny and Lindsay got back to the lab, they found Flack waiting for them.  “Tell me you have the evidence to back this up because he ain’t talking.”

 

Lindsay nodded.  “Based on the psycho ramblings of a nutcase, we can probably back you here.  Messer found some bloody clothes that he’s going to test for DNA.  I’ve got pictures of said ramblings from his walls.  It’s insane, all about how vegetables are being oppressed,” she said shaking her head.  “I’m just going to process want to join me?”

 

Flack nodded and together they walked to the AV lab.  When they got there, they found Adam grinning from ear to ear.  “I’ve got something for you.  You know how I said that the words ‘Radishes have feelings’ sounded familiar to me?  It’s because they are part of a song.”

 

“Really,” Flack asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Yeah.  Get this.  It’s called _Carrot Juice is Murder_.  It’s by a band called The Arrogant Worms,” he returned, trying to suppress giggles.  “I downloaded the song.  It’s hilarious.”

 

Lindsay looked at him and then pulled up the pictures of the ramblings on the monitor.  “Really?  What about this?  Could this be the words to the song?” she asked.

 

Adam read over the writing.  “Actually, it is.”

 

Flack shook his head while rolling his eyes.  “That’s it, I’m going to get him to confess,” he stated forcefully.  Lindsay nodded to him as he walked quickly out of the lab.

 

When he entered the interrogation room he found a belligerent Aidan waiting for him.  “You have no right to hold me.  I’m a political prisoner and I seek asylum!”

 

Flack controlled the urge to roll his eyes.  “Actually, I have every right to hold you as a suspect in a double homicide.  You get that, right, Aidan.  You killed two people and for what, some whacked out belief that _vegetables_ have feelings?”

 

“They do!  It’s wrong to suppress the weaker species.  I was shown the way by the Prophets and I will not deviate from the path to righteousness.  You can not deny me the freedom of religion.”

 

Flack pursed his lips together, smothering his laughter.  “Look, man.  I don’t care if you think that the vegetables are aliens living among us, but it don’t give you the right to take someone’s life!”

 

Aidan glared at him defiantly.  “The Prophets say: _I’d kill those farmers again to save one more cauliflower._   They showed me the way.”

 

“Who are these ‘Prophets’?” Flack asked.

 

Aidan straightened in his chair.  “They go by the name of The Arrogant Worms.  They brought me the word.”

 

Flack’s shoulders were shaking with his suppressed laughter.  “So, do you admit to killing these people?”

 

Aidan glared defiantly at him again.  “Freely and proudly.  I will never deny my part is bringing freedom to our friends of nature.”

 

Flack just shook his head and proceeded to push the pad of paper towards him, so he could write down his confession.

 

**\-------------------------------------------------**

 

Mac looked at the four people standing in front of him, trying to hide his laughter.  Finally he unbent enough to chuckle along with the group.  “I’ve heard that song before, but the fact that the suspect thought they were bringing the gospel to them…” Mac trailed off as he began to laugh again.

 

“Heat brings out the crazies,” they all said together as their pagers staring going off again.

 

“Well, back to work.  Crime doesn’t sleep,” said Mac as they exited the break room.

 

_Fini!_

 

**AN:** _So, I’d love to here what y’all think!  I know that this is completely random, but my muse would not leave me alone on it!  Thanks in advance to everyone who reviews!  If you’re logged in, I’ll respond back!  And without further adieu, here are the lyrics to_ Carrot Juice is Murder!!!

 

 

 

Listen up brothers and sisters,

come hear my desperate tale.

I speak of our friends of nature,

trapped in the dirt like a jail.

 

Vegetables live in oppression,

served on our tables each night.

This killing of veggies is madness,

I say we take up the fight.

 

Salads are only for murderers,

coleslaw's a fascist regime.

Don't think that they don't have feelings,

just cause a radish can't scream.

 

Chorus:

I've heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)

Watching their skins being peeled (having their insides revealed)

Grated and steamed with no mercy (burning off calories)

How do you think that feels (bet it hurts really bad)

Carrot juice constitutes murder (and that's a real crime)

Greenhouses prisons for slaves (let my vegetables go)

It's time to stop all this gardening (it's dirty as hell)

Let's call a spade a spade (is a spade is a spade is a spade)

 

I saw a man eating celery,

so I beat him black and blue.

If he ever touches a sprout again,

I'll bite him clean in two.

 

I'm a political prisoner,

trapped in a windowless cage.

Cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips

by killing five men in a rage

 

I told the judge when he sentenced me,

This is my finest hour,

I'd kill those farmers again

just to save one more cauliflower

 

Chorus

 

How low as people do we dare to stoop,

Making young broccolis bleed in the soup?

Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes

Let potted plants free, don't mash that potato!

 

I've heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)

Watching their skins being peeled (fates in the stirfry are sealed) 

Grated and steamed with no mercy (you fat gourmet slob)

How do you think that feels? (leave them out in the field)

Carrot juice constitutes murder (V8's genocide)

Greenhouses prisons for slaves (yes, your composts are graves)

It's time to stop all this gardening (take up macramé)

Let's call a spade a spade (is a spade, is a spade, is a spade, is a spade.....

 

 

 


End file.
